When You Feel Small

Lately, I’ve been struggling with feeling small.  (This is rather ironic since I’m also trying to lose weight.  There’s probably some sort of underlying correlation between feeling physically big but emotionally small.)

I sometimes feel like I live a small life.  Truthfully, in many ways, I do.  I work from home by teaching online.  Many days, I don’t leave the house.  My energies are focused on the 3 other people within these 4 walls.  Another irony: that’s completely on purpose.  I feel called to homeschool my children, and I have zero desire for a regular job outside of my house.  The physical smallness of my life isn’t what bothers me.

I desire to make a wider impact.

I see others building so-called platforms online, and I’m not sure why that’s not happening for me.  I pour my heart and soul into creating courses, blog content, and new ideas; I hit publish; and then I hear the crickets chirping.  Nothing.  Invisible.

I want to give up, but I can’t.  I haven’t been this enthralled, this motivated, this challenged by something in a very long time – maybe ever.  So I keep on.  I keep writing.  I keep creating.  I keep setting up my table at homeschool fairs.

Over the last several days, I have begun to get a glimpse of the reason for this restless feeling.  God has reminded me through a variety of avenues that I have been created on purpose and for a purpose.  He has given me the ability to write, to understand math, and to teach – on purpose and for a purpose.  He has given me opportunities to speak and to meet people – on purpose and for a purpose.  It’s not yet time to quit.

So I’ll keep on writing, creating, and exploring until He tells me to stop and gives me something else to do.  And I’ll remember that He sees.  He knows.  He’s working.  He has a plan.  And He will use my life – big or small, well-known or invisible – on purpose for His purpose.